The winding road to atheism

I was born and raised in a Christian household. By Christian I mean that my parents fought and argued religiously, which sometimes led to violence. The beliefs were dogmatic. We attended a fundamentalist church which required everyone to wear long sleeves, no flashy jewelry–including wedding bands, no television, etc. Needless to say this upbringing largely influences my beliefs to this day.

After gaining liberation, my brother quickly embraced atheism. I on the other hand, wasn’t quite ready to turn the page on religion, god or this character named Jesus. In fact, after the passing of my grandmother, I dived even further into the religious landscape and became a preacher. During this time I wrote a very popular journal located at evangelicalunderground.com. At one time, it was ranked in the top 100 blogs for viewership; keeping in mind that blogging was relatively new at that time. But alas, like most ideals not firmly rooted in reality, things quickly fell apart. I found that every time I tried to dive deeper into what I was brought up to embrace, the more I had to consciously suspend some element of my own intelligence or common sense. Now, I don’t say that to offend those that still cling to some sort of religious dogma, because I understand how unsettling it was to read something like that when I was still a believer.

The fact of the matter is, I’m an intelligent man. I believe most people are far more intelligent than they choose to express. That is the society we live in, unfortunately. Children grow up being made fun of if they do well in school and are pressured to do well in things like football or cheer-leading. Regardless, this past year as been one of exploration for me. Now some will attribute my awakening to the fact that I went back to college after a 10 year hiatus. I’ll be honest, it DID have something to do with it, but probably not in the manner which they suspect. Going back to school at 33 requires monumental effort. Not am I at a great disadvantage compared to those fresh minds just leaving high school, I also have responsibilities such as working and being a good father and husband.

College requires thought, and for a long time I didn’t really have to put much thought into my place in this wonderful world. Why? Because I was taught that faith in a belief should trump critical thinking and basing beliefs on fact and science. Going back to school acted only as a stimulator in that regard. Having my brain spurred to action triggered a chain reaction of sorts. Now that I was thinking again, I might as well read a book that isn’t designed to make me feel good about religious beliefs. So I read. And read. And read some more.

The conclusion I have come up with is that there is no evidence for the existence of a deity. Furthermore, nothing makes Christianity any more significant in the bigger time-line of religions than say, the story of Horus–son of Osiris. In Egyptian belief, Horus was born of the virgin Isis. I think you can imagine where the story goes from there. Needless to say this story predates Christianity.

It’s also interesting when you look at the Biblical narrative as a whole. Yes, I well know the arguments that Christians are now saved under a new covenant and that the brutality and murderous rampaging god of the Old Testament was replaced by the caring, hippy god, Jesus. The fact remains however, that if we are to believe that the Christian god never changes (as Christians are happy to claim) then we should know that the Christian god condones slavery, rape, incest, and a host of other nasty positions.

Therefore, it is with a touch of guilt (brought on by a childhood steeped in it, I imagine) that I declare myself void of a belief. When the Christian god, (or any god for that matter) decides that I should believe in them, they may make themselves known. If they should make themselves known, (if any gods are reading this) please be armed with a good explanation for why I should worry my life away making sure that you are pleased with me. Please do not tell me you love me enough to burn me forever if I don’t fall inline with your tenets. Please do not tell me how you gave me free will but I’m not allowed to use that free will to do anything other than worship you. While you’re at it, you’ll need to have a pretty good reason to demand I worship you. Sending yourself to impregnate a teenager with yourself in order to sacrifice yourself to pay for the sins you created us with just won’t cut it.

So to all my friends who remain my friends, thanks. To those who feel that Jesus has told them to shun me, ta-ta. To my new friends, welcome.